Not sure who wants to read things that are down. Not sure that anyone is reading anyway. But I have to get these thoughts out of my head and put out somewhere.
In the past few years I have done a total 360 in how we live and do things. My kids were always with me and still are other than the older 2. When I lived with their biological father, I had to protect them and put everything into them. I still do but in a different way. I lived day to day life for them, making sure we (the kids and I) were getting the food we needed, making sure the drunk would not wake them or bother them to the point of tears. The kids and I were family, he wasn't included 99% of the time. Kind of hard to include someone that you don't want there! Nor are they coherent enough to function in family life. Living with an alcoholic is well to say the least difficult. The emotional ups and downs, the broken/empty promises, the blackouts, the I didn't do that's, the I don't remembers, the cigarette burns that could have burned the house down, the arguing, etc. The "Oh Great, no heat today, oh and check this out no water pipes are froze!!". The list goes on and on.
Life these days, I don't know where to begin. I don't worry about that stuff anymore. Three of my four kids are doing very well as am I. I know that we are ok, I know that we have everything we need, I know that I have the most loving and understanding man I am married to. We are a complete family even though he has to work out of town, we are still family. We have dinner times, we have bed times, no worries about cigarette burns he doesn't smoke! The bills get paid one way or another. Did I mention we are a family? Something I never had before. Hubby didn't have that either. Both of us have been married before and didn't have family life. He came into this relationship without having his own children and has taken on the responsibility of raising a family with me. He must have lost his mind some where along the line. Our relationship is awesome and all I can say is "Where the heck were we 20 years ago?" We probably wouldn't have gotten along very well. But you never know. We are together now and that's what matters. He is my rock, he is my best friend, he is my wonderful husband.
Now comes the sadness. My son is 18 years old. He lives with his father. Not sure why he chose his crazy lifestyle over a normal life. I know it's all he's ever known but all I wanted was for him to come with us and have a normal life. He is so full of hate and anger for me. I can't fix it. I have tried. He's been in and out of trouble, lock up, and now jail. His 2nd P.O. was the worst! He tried to be his friend instead of someone that's suppose to be there to keep you in line and out of trouble! Kids like my son need a hardass p.o., not one that wants to make him happy by letting him do whatever he wants to do. He made it easy for him to walk away from a better situation~ family, clean clothes, shower, food, an education~to a bad situation. He thought that it was too dangerous to leave him there because he had made threats against us. I feel that if he would have just left him there he would have been ok, he and Bear would have went for a ride to hash out whatever his problem was and then we would have dealt with things as a family! It might not have been perfect and may have turned out the same way but at least we would have tried to help him. Instead he was allowed by his p.o. to just walk away, leave our family, to go back to a lonely and dark life. I've tried to have him live with us on several different occasions, but he always went back. WHY?? I wish I knew. I have rules? He is not allowed to smoke, drink and absolutely no drugs, had to let me know where he is. Oh and do homework, graduate too! I guess he couldn't handle it. He never did good in school as it is. His wonderful father wouldn't let him be tested for ADD or ADHD when he was younger. Why, his reason, " I don't want my kid being doped up!", coming from a dope smoker? Doesn't make sense to me either. Had he been tested he might have been able to focus and stay out of trouble a little easier by being able to stop think and make a good decision. I love my son with all my heart and wish for nothing more than to have a good relationship with him. At this point I don't know if that's possible. Before yesterday we had spoke once in a years time. He didn't want me in his life. He had said some pretty hateful things towards me, and I had to stop letting him do that to me. I told him that I was finished trying to have a relationship with him, I would not contact him anymore that if he wanted to talk he could call me. Done playing the chase me game. The other day he called and asked me if I could bail him out, the Mom he doesn't talk to! Oh sure I'll just go spend a grand to get you out and send you on your merry way, NOT! It's one of the hardest choices I have made in a year. Last one I made was to leave the ball in his court and basically walk away. I keep him in my mind as the boy he was before he turned into his father's replica. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of him, wonder if he's ok, wonder if he thinks of me. Everyone I have talked to including his old counselor have told me to leave him sit, that jail is the safest place for Ed right now. He is unable to get the drugs, alcohol, and cigarettes that he's used to being supplied with, he gets a shower, clean clothes, food and a roof over his head. I know that must sound awful to think of jail as a better place for your child to be but unfortunately for him it is. I am truly struggling with leaving him there. The Mom in me says go get your baby and help him out but I have to fight that urge. He has done wrong and needs to see that when you do something wrong there are consequences. There are so many emotions I am going through as I'm sure he is. He is saying things I might want to hear. Of course I want to hear that he misses me and loves me and will pay me back. I want so much to believe his words but then he twists in a lie and the heart strings stop tugging and the anger starts to build. Why couldn't he just tell me the truth instead he had to lie as if he thought that would help his cause. Oh my poor boy trapped, and I have to keep strong that he's safer there then at the home he shares with his father. Sadness has set in as I must put on a happy face for the girls because if they see tears they know who has caused them without me saying a word. How do I do this, the same way as I have in the past, make face and act like everything is just fine. Living with an alcoholic has taught me that. One of the many lessons I wish I never had to learn. My children are all children of an alcoholic yet all 3 girls have chosen to think of alcohol and drugs as the worst thing possible, yeah Mom taught them well. Why is it that my son couldn't learn the same as his sisters? I hope to find the answer some day. I will always be his Mom and want him in our lives but he has to want it too. Until then I will keep him in my head and heart and prayers. I will shed tears as I mourn for him.
I will keep on, keepin' on...
Til next time.